Monday, April 23, 2007

After a thoughts-churning virtual conversation with a friend, an artist, a poet of sorts....

Of Artists and writers. Are these the same? What makes one such and not the other. Is it because the artist paints, the writer writes? Because on a certain level, they are both in they own ways trying to create a new way of looking at the world, another experience of being human. Is it because the artist deals with visions, and the writer uese language as his/her tool? Does this make them different? Does being the artist means that visions in the abstract which escapes the language gets the ultimate priority? Because many would argue that language is the structure to the whole sense of our world, to everything we know even our senses, we need to put them within the framework of langugae or else they would not make sense. Blood, Happiness is only meaningful as experience encased within language. So in a sense does the artist attempt to escape the mental cage of language by confronting their viewers with an existence of an experience which cannot be captured in words. Splashes of red and black paint on a canvas cannot be properly worded. And to call it a "painting" only severely reveals the limtations of language. Perhaps that is where the discordant between the art work and the title arises. I always feel the title and the work pulls at each other, threatening to pull things apart. Because they are in fact two forces at work (very rarely in line with each other.)

Perhaps, this sets the artist a little apart from the writers; creating a new vision comes from a different stand-point for the two. I once read somewhere that the the great writers seek to be understood not admired. And this is true, writers eventual seek understanding, a new view of the world, perhaps also an intention, but primarily they seek to be understood. Writers celebrate language not as a barrier to understanding or expereince but as the ultimate bridege to connect human experiences. This is different from what the artist hopes for--to be misunderstood. Because understanding and agreement is not sought after in art. It is the disagreements, the confusions, the misunderstanding and the spaces in betweens which interest the artists. It is from this which that new vision of seeing the world is created. The writer wants to be understood and to understand the human condition. The writer says "hear this, listen to this, take time to see this from this point of view? See it from this light, doesn't the world look very different? Yet it is the same world we are inhabiting." The artist says"Look. Experience. Don't try too hard to understand. The world we are inhabiting has its mysteries and you can never understand them. So open yoru mind and heart to experiences. They are more important than understanding."

It is for this reason that writers are in and of this world. Artists position themselves a little apart from the rest of the world, because it from this gap where their inspirations arise and visions are given brith. Writers need to immerse themselves within the world and soak up the everyday and ordinary. Artists need to look past the ordinary and make people aware of the uncanny underneath. That is why writers tend to be humanists, this is because writers are always surprised by human nature, by the everyday life, by society. Artists are more often disappointed. Perhaps this is because artists are the more idealistic of the two. Writers are in this sense more pragmatic, they, in many ways accept the human condition--our foolishnesses, our petty existence and the fleeting nature of it all. They may poke fun at it, but at the heart of it, there is an acceptance and even an appreciation of it, becuase it is from this that human dramas arise. The artists are never quite happy with just the human condition as it is, even a self-portrait reveals the uncanny-ness of it all. It is more often a lament than a celebration, a lament that this reality is not quite as expansive as that of the imaginary landscape. Of an alternative imaginary plane where life is infinitely more rich. Art work always seem to point to the fact that we are not quite there yet, there always seem to be this subtle accusation that life lacks something, that it it does not quite attain certain "something" which once again escapes the plane of words. Even the most celebratory of art works of human condition speaks of a certain lack. I have yet to experience an art work which consoles the way writings do. There is always that layer of a "lack" surrounding art works. An unspoken absence. Even if the process of creation had been a happy one, when it comes to the interaction with the viewer, eventually there is that slippage. An alert that a gap exists between this created world and the one the viewer is in, and undenaibly cannot escape.

I find it strange when art critics talk about viewing art as a kind of conversation. I feel that art is a frustration of conversation. It is always an argument. Frustration of senses, logic, agreements. There is always a talk of art as healing division and bridging differences--that i have no doubt of, I believe in that healing power of arts, but on a very personal level, art throws a viewer into an internal turmoil. The greater the art, the stronger the internal conflict. Writings on the other hand, no matter what the subject matter or style does not achieve the same effect nor does it intend to. To understand the best of writers, you need to immerse in your present condition. You need to empathize and be whole. To understnd the best of writings, you need to understand your present self, your human condition. The better the writing, stronger the connection within yourself, across time, across histories, across differences.

Perhaps my present division of the artists and writers is superficial, and silly in a way. But something very different happens when I read a writer's work and experience an artist's work, and to lump them together in the same family might perhaps detract from both. But then again, I have given both art and writing my own definition and as always definitions are dangerous things. They are best left open-ended. Discussion relies on solid defintions, and if I am to take everything with a pinch fo salt, the world would be intolerably saline. Sometimes I would rather be wrong and live in a world that has a variety of flavour than to be a skeptic. Because as lovely as questions are. Sometimes we need the illusions of answers for life to be tolerable. To expereince life in its many splendor, sometimes the questions need to cease in that instant for beauty to be appreciated.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

He sits on the chair.

"Are you ready?" the Doctor standing over him in the white lab coat asks. HE could almost see his nose hair with his head positioned directly under that dazzling operation table light and the besepctacle face.

"Hmph..." He tried to nod but the leather strap bounding his head and the plastic strap in his mouth prevented him from talking.

"This will probably be the last thing you'll remember before I start the procedures." Came the monotonous voice of the bright face, the galsses reflected the white light. Everything looked so clean. He wondered if heaven looked like this, or perhaps hell.

"Mr, Erm.. Chandra, once you've woken up, your whole life would be different. Nothing will ever be the same again. For now, I just need you to relax. Think of green fields and breeze. Think of your childhood."

HE shifts uncomfortably in the leather chair, this reminded him of dentist visits in his childhood, how they will con you into relaxing before the jab, how they will tell you everything is going to be ok before that sharp pain like a drill bore into your flesh. So shocking you forogot to scream. HE felt tears forming uncontrollably around his eyes. It is too late to change his mind now?

"Mr Chandra." Came the hypnotic voice again.

"Pre-surgical jitters is all quite common, you do not need to feel nervous. THis happens to all of my patients. Once the process has started you will see that you have made the right choice. You have made the wise decision."

He leaned back and tired to concentrate, but confusion was setting in. THE lights were too white and too bright. His thoughts fell into fragments. Illogical and scattered. Dream objects seemed to float about him. The smell of anesthetic seemed to be laced with the smell of blood. Perhaps it was his own. Did fear smell like this? PERhaps this was what all soldiers felt before the first charge. Facing the enemy, fear was concrete. It filled a room. It filled this room.

"MR Chandra." The disembodied voice again.

"MR Chandra, I need you to look at me. I am going to inject you now and start the procedure. IF everything is fine, please blink twice."

He tried to coordinate his muscles, but they have turned to stone. His eyes kept raoming to corners of the room instead of focusing. He felt faint. The Vertigo just befor you fainted. Or that millisecond on the rollercasoter just before the dip.

"I need you to relax. Take your time. When you are ready just give me two blinks. Take your time. Collect your thoughts."

THe last three words, seemed strangely an order. Like the preschool days when you understood nothing, but you still had enough mental power to obey.
HE tried to collect his thoughts, but they were tumbling wildly across the room.

He tried to blink.

"MR Chandra, in order for the operation to go smoothly I will need you to focus on thoughts of your father. Everything you can put together of this figure. His smell, his texture, the way you remembered him. All the tiny details..."

THe voice faded away. THere he was standing by the swimming pool. Go on son, he was saying, only it was a silent movie. He kept pointing insistently to the gapping water. The reflections blinded him. There were other children laughing.

You are not to play with my cigars son. The brown coat he wore to work which smelt of a minty aftershave. A large hand stroking his hair. Brown and leathery, soft and warm on cold nights. Pass me that screwdriver son. Riding on sturdy shoulders some Sunday afternoon to ice cream parlor.

Handshakes, pride. Man to man. The silence by a lake, long walks in a forest where everything smelt of pine. Then the bitter disappointment, a deep sense of betrayal and the failure to live up to expecations. A deep resentment. A fragile smile and white hair, and the crispy leathery skin now lined with years.

"Sometimes the best way to heal is to forget, Mr Chandra."

The tears now flowed uncontrolled. His sobs must have sounded pathetic with the plastic gag.

" The Father complex is something we need to overcome in order to have a more complete life, and experince life on a greater plane, to free up the mental restrictions we have put ourselves through."

He wanted to be free the burden of the father. To carve out life without a preceding legacy. HE wanted to see life without being under the tyrannous rule of the father-in-heaven. A hug at the airport. His coat which smelt of stale tabacco. Teras and smile. "This is goodbye."

"Mr Chandra. When you are ready, please blink twice for me."

HE blinks twice.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I want an adventure
I want an adventure
I am sick of everyday life
every day
every day
every other boring day
I am sick
sick
of the same
I want excitement
I want contamination
I want purification
I want
I want
the new
the shocking
I wnat to trangress
There is the temptation of the unknown
and I want to plunge headlong into it
I want danger
I want to go forth
in courage
curiousity
I want to experience life
in its fullest
I don't just want the light
I want the dark
I don't just want the safe
I want the scary
I want to see a ghost
I want to see Blood
I want a hell of a ride
I want to kiss a girl
I want to kiss a guy
I want to hike in the wilderness
I want to fall free
and then cling on for dear life
I want to steal from life
I want to disobey

I understand why Eve did what she did
I understand why mistakes are important in life
The trouble with being right all the time
is the boredom
is the dissatisfaction
the incompleteness
I understand why Satan exists alongside God
I want to touch God and also brush the Devil's hand
I want more experiences
experiences
I want more
more
more more from life.

Monday, April 09, 2007

I have X-ray eyes. Not the kind superman has. His x-ray eyes are inferior, it is superficial and pierces only the shallowness of life, he uses it for necessity. That explains why it is superficial, anything used only when necessary cannot truly be deep or cut right through to the heart of things. My X-ray eyes can't be controlled, like all special gifts--superpowers, they come with a price--incontrollability. Any Prof Xs who tell you that you can control special powers is a liar, probably just power hungry people or people with their own agenda and mission trying to recruit members to expand their ever increasing power fortresses. If you read comics and think Prof X is the good guy, you are a fool, but I can't blame you, afterall you have no X-ray eyes.

X-ray eyes lets me see this world, its past, its future and the inevitability of it all. Existence, end of existence, lives, past lives, reincarnations, next lives. Lots of people don't want believe in reincarnations. Lots of people want ot believe in reincarnation. Especially new lovers, they want to imagine their lovers and themselves in past lives. OK. He was a rat, you his droppings. You could say that you have a pretty close relationship.

I see this guy reading Aristotle on the bus, a homeless man sitting next to him teases him about it. The guy makes some lame conversation about the book belonging to his girlfriend, a colledge reader and he was reading it just for, well, fun. The homeless rattles on about how good readings are made so difficult, and how they really should have more discussions in schools on the subject. THe guy slightly irritated tries to end the conversation. Wanting to wave off the old guy like some fly buzzing around his dinner plate--what a nuisance to converse. What the young guy doesn't know is that the old bum is Aristotle reborned. Well the old guy doesn't know it either. But that's not the point, the point is, the spirit of Aristole or any Greek philospher in today's age has been destined to become a homeless bum. Homeless people have lots of great philosophies about life. IN fact they are our modern age "greek philosphers". People who used to sit around all day doing nothing but talking, thinking about life, about the universe, coming up with crackpot theories about everything, has today, become the homeless on the streets. Well they are the equivalent, only the society has changed, and thoughts without a practical reason, which does not derive ultimate utility are worthless just like the thinkers. They who used to be the high and mighty--have in time turned to be the lowest rung on the ladder. They have been doing pretty much the same thing, only in a different time. That's the world for you.

Confucius just boarded the bus. He has been reborned as a middle class, slave to some small dingy office. He who still detest the merchants, and all those multi-national companies, is, in this lifetime a loser. The advocate of honest hard work, he who placed the merchants on teh bottom of the social order in his thoughts, is today obliged to serve the rich merchants who manufacture nothing but illusions, desires and empty jumping digits. He works in his small office, with no ambition to rise above, he sees no evil, hears no evil, speak no evil in hs bubble of oblivion, while office politics and the aggressive wars rage around him. He of course has no guts to invest. HE saves his miserly wage, and just prays for an uneventful life. An African American bumps into him, sneers at him and he cowers.

Jesus and all your biblical matyrs have in this life gone extremists. Their spirits of pursuing a cause to death and their firm faith has no place in this half-hearted world of our age. Everyone is half-hearted, eat half-hearted, breathe half-hearted, who believes in nothing but only what can be seen. They willingness to die has been condemned, and their acts are seen as futile destructions. Jesus so powerful, charismatic in another lifetime, whose death has been replayed and replayed and its majestic beauty been retold again and again, cannot be real in this life time because when someone matyrs his/herself, we see it as senseless. IF you choose ot kill yourself in this life for an invisible God, you are crazy or worse, terrorist.

Everyday I open my eyes and I see these same old spirits inhabiting new settings and how quickly they become irrelevant. How the old still lives, only badly parodied. I am not cursed with responsiblity with my great powers, only a dsiqueiting sadness which pervades everything I see and do, but I still see great beauty admist all the great hyporcisy and the changes which everyone pretends not to see right under their noses. How if all the great people came back and revisited us, they would be so sad, so shocked, or so ordinary. But the flowers still bloom with constancy and the new life still cries with that same deep sense of hope, and I close my eyes to smell the blossom and hear that first cry.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Softness, saliva tongue and entrance
the body and its desires
irrepressible dreams of skins
and pleasure
no longer frightened
or guilty
Society and its cage
why the discomfort for something all quite natural
and the control
which is biased
why should females suffer the greater consequences
for desires.

Sex--its hold over us
our fear, our fascination
our wanting it
our running away from it
pretending it doesn't run at the base of our lives
a lie
or rather
distractions from the fact
that all of our civilisation
all of history which erases
or ommits this fact--
is founded on that basic act
every animal and man knows in his/her instinct.

What is so scary about the truth?
Ridiculous jokes about stocks and crane deliveries
Babies, new life
becomes something of a myth
and sex a dark secret
which has become dirty
What are we afraid of?

Why turn away from the truth which comes at
the foundation
of our existence
we cannot look ourselves in the mirror
or tolerate our nakedness
or the fact that the most fundamental of human acts
has become perversion
and attained the status of sin and evil.

We live a lie, and call it purity.
Rosaline is a hypocrite
the chaste moon goddess
a fool
as are we all
to think we should let our blind eyes
grow
and take deep roots
in our being
while ignorant or the monsters
they forge in us.
It is us we are afraid of
we are afriad of our naturalness
our bodies
to the extent that we should have to cover it
and call it modesty.


Shame.
We should look at the word
and reconsider ourselves.